It has been some time since my last post, and for good reason. Immediately upon taking command of my Battery, we were seemingly inundated with endless taskings, real world happenings, and countless visitors to the site. In the blink of an eye, we find ourselves on the eve of our departure, with a good portion of our ranks already re-deployed. We represent the remaining stalwart few who have be fortunate enough to tie up the loose ends pertaining to our Transfer of Authority process.
At this point, the certifications are complete, the property is exchanged, and the intangible site specific knowledge has been bestowed to our counterparts. Like a father jogging alongside a child on their first solo bike ride, all we can do now is let go and pray.
Because I have to be vague regarding what we have done, and regarding our redeployment dates and circumstances, I have decided to create a "Top 10 Things I learned" list of the slightly less mission-oriented aspects of our trip to the Middle East. The topics will vary, just as my days have varied, in both consistency and intensity. There will be some cussing.
10. New people fuck up established gym dynamics. In any gym facility, group dynamics eventually take hold and everyone understands how to function in a cramped, under-resourced, sub-par facility. You have to. New people, especially new Navy people, will completely destroy even the best laid plans for pure muscle building bliss. Curls in the squat rack? Go ahead, rookie. Bring 5 of your friends so you can completely monopolize the cable machine for 45 minutes while you bullshit about how awesome the latest Will Farrell movie is. And yes, we all know the lines to "Anchorman." Now get out of my way while I deadlift this Buick,
9. Anything can be flipped over. My first injection of this life-truth was when I rolled my Dad's racing sailboat in Canyon Lake after he said "Son, don't worry, you cant flip it!" I filed that one away, and it came back to haunt me. Shortly before taking command, a Soldier flipped an up-armored Hum-Vee (HMMWV) while driving on our site. Nobody was hurt, but the incident defied both physics and logic in how it was executed. To this day, we think he went airborne, did a backflip, the earth turned 90 degrees beneath him, and they landed in the most illogical way possible.
8. People, without even trying, are disgusting. If you consistently utilize common bathroom and shower facilities, day in, and day out, for an entire year, you start to wonder about your health. In my first country, we used to have to tolerate leaks from the floor above. As I scrubbed myself feverishly with neon colored Axe, the used man-water from above dripped incessantly into the stall, always in different places. I dodged that shit like it was acid. Over here, it is simply the people-to-latrine ratio that places a large burden on the facilities. I'm not even picky, but there were some days where a latrine of 10 shower stalls might have one remotely sanitary berth. At least there wasn't any dripping man water to worry about.
7. Loofahs are Cheap. Almost a caveat on #8, I cannot count the amount of loofahs I have gone through over here. They will, without fail, fall to the floor of the shower stall and spontaneously burst into a ball of flames caused by the friction of the various bacteria, viruses, and other small creatures found at the bottom of a shower as they fight to gain a foothold on the new addition to their midst. The neurons fire, and every instinct you have to bend down and pick it up must be stifled, for if you touch it, ney, if you look at it now, you will need penicillin injections and chlorine based decontamination for the next month. It's gone pal.
6. Haggling is fun. My experiences in Korea and now the "Souqs" of the Middle East have taught me that, with most items, the vendor simply wants some compensation for the good they are peddling. The initial price will be absurd, your counter-offer even more so. They will then pull out a calculator and start to work exchange rates to determine their bottom line. The key is, to begin to leave as they are computing. All math stops, and their focus is now on keeping you in the store, which is typically achieved by stating a price at or near the one you initially provided. His kids get hot shwarma tonight, my kids get a stuffed camel. It's win-win Mustafa.
5. People will DIE for an alcoholic beverage. Here in ____, we have a ration of 3 beers a night, should you choose to partake. During the increased hostilities portion of our deployment, we were on a short string, so I took drinking privelges away. You would have thought I took their boots an told them to hike up everest. "WHAT?!?!!?" "Why cant we..." "I mean....." Fucking pathetic. I didn't have one sip since I took command until we relinquished the mission. You can't go one night? I learned alot about some of my troops and leaders during that period.
4. How to PMCS a HMMWV. In the Army, we have to maintain our trucks and guns, or they wont work. This is done routinely, and must be to standard, or there are consequences. One afternoon, I stumbled upon the realization that PMCS had been neglected on our precious "Gun-Trucks," and I lost it. I recalled every E-5 on up to the XO, back to the Site, and we had a class. For their punishment, they got to witness the 1SG and I go through every step of that PMCS, in the dark, for three hours. Now, you may be asking, how is ME doing a PMCS a punishment for THEM. Well, do you want your boss doing your job, in front of you, at night, poorly? Just to prove a point? After being skull drug verbally for your incompetence? They got the point, the trucks were forever more in good condition....and I learned how to PMCS a HMMWV.
3. Never be a TCN. Think your job sucks? Imagine America having so little vocational opportunity that you have to travel abroad for years at a time, just to get a job cleaning toilets for a pittance. Such is the life of a Third Country National. These workers originate in Pakistan, India, Malaysia, as well as other countries, and come to the various sheikdoms in the Middle East to do the dirty work. Construction, mining, cooking, cleaning, you name it. There is a whole system run by the various governments to manage these people, and it is less than civil. More than once, I have been to a very modern airport, and seen a TCN with his cardboard box for luggage, being mauled and berated for standing in the wrong line. They are corralled into separate lines for tickets, customs, boarding, and some airports segregate their waiting areas. They live in huge hostels where they are bussed to and from jobs, wherein some of the more daring have been killed erecting the massive skyscrapers that dot the coastlines of the middle east. All of a sudden Burger King aint so bad.
2. An Empire's work is done by 18-24 year olds. In my travels throughout the Middle East, I have been able to work with Soldiers, Sailors, Marines, and Airmen, all with different jobs that have tremendous strategic value. None of them were "door-kickers," but in each instance, their skillset provided some sort of advantage to the American side that literally keeps us a dominate world power. Whether its a scope dope on an AWACS, or a PATRIOT TCA, or a flight chief on a long range refueler, their job is absurdly important to the American mission here in CENTCOM. Failure at their chosen profession could spell disaster for alot of folks. I was fortunate to watch a 19 year old AF controller, with a baseball cap turned to the rear, as he talked in close air support for troops in contact with the enemy, 1,300 miles away. I have listened to two 21 year olds in different countries successfully coordinate the destruction of a mythical ballistic missile on its way to ostensibly kill thousands of innocent civilians. Truly amazing. Our line of work has nothing to do with catching terrorists, but rather, has everything to do with providing deterrence and stability where our Nation thinks it is needed most. The kid providing that deterrent capability may, or may not, be able to have a beer when he gets off work.
1. This Line of Work in Tough on Families. One of the more unnerving elements of this profession is the overwhelmingly negative effect bestowed on the families of those that serve. It takes a truly resilient spouse, and a tremendous support network to make this whole game work. If you are lacking any element, then the statistics say you may not make it. As many times as I have fingers, I have seen seemingly stable families and marriages disintegrate over night, with usually the uniformed spouse being the last one to know. Yes, deployments suck. No, we do not make alot of money. Presumably, we all knew what we were signing up for, whether you wear the uniform, or not. My heart goes out to the troops who are coming home to empty houses. The door is always open.
There it is. Top 10 things I learned while deployed to the Middle East. In the very very near future (in'sh allah), I will be boarding a plane to finally return to Lawton and my sweet girls. I have missed them terribly over the past year, and I cannot wait to come back so I can be a Daddy and a Husband for them. Michelle has done an amazing feat in moving the whole carnival back to Lawton, settling into a home, and having everything in order for my return. For that, and for so many other reasons, I love her dearly.
As always, thanks for reading. See you all soon!
Regards,
Derek
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