Top 10 Things I Learned Over Here

Friends and Family,

It has been some time since my last post, and for good reason. Immediately upon taking command of my Battery, we were seemingly inundated with endless taskings, real world happenings, and countless visitors to the site. In the blink of an eye, we find ourselves on the eve of our departure, with a good portion of our ranks already re-deployed. We represent the remaining stalwart few who have be fortunate enough to tie up the loose ends pertaining to our Transfer of Authority process.

At this point, the certifications are complete, the property is exchanged, and the intangible site specific knowledge has been bestowed to our counterparts. Like a father jogging alongside a child on their first solo bike ride, all we can do now is let go and pray.

Because I have to be vague regarding what we have done, and regarding our redeployment dates and circumstances, I have decided to create a "Top 10 Things I learned" list of the slightly less mission-oriented aspects of our trip to the Middle East. The topics will vary, just as my days have varied, in both consistency and intensity. There will be some cussing.

10. New people fuck up established gym dynamics. In any gym facility, group dynamics eventually take hold and everyone understands how to function in a cramped, under-resourced, sub-par facility. You have to. New people, especially new Navy people, will completely destroy even the best laid plans for pure muscle building bliss. Curls in the squat rack? Go ahead, rookie. Bring 5 of your friends so you can completely monopolize the cable machine for 45 minutes while you bullshit about how awesome the latest Will Farrell movie is. And yes, we all know the lines to "Anchorman." Now get out of my way while I deadlift this Buick,

9. Anything can be flipped over. My first injection of this life-truth was when I rolled my Dad's racing sailboat in Canyon Lake after he said "Son, don't worry, you cant flip it!" I filed that one away, and it came back to haunt me. Shortly before taking command, a Soldier flipped an up-armored Hum-Vee (HMMWV) while driving on our site. Nobody was hurt, but the incident defied both physics and logic in how it was executed. To this day, we think he went airborne, did a backflip, the earth turned 90 degrees beneath him, and they landed in the most illogical way possible.

8. People, without even trying, are disgusting. If you consistently utilize common bathroom and shower facilities, day in, and day out, for an entire year, you start to wonder about your health. In my first country, we used to have to tolerate leaks from the floor above. As I scrubbed myself feverishly with neon colored Axe, the used man-water from above dripped incessantly into the stall, always in different places. I dodged that shit like it was acid. Over here, it is simply the people-to-latrine ratio that places a large burden on the facilities. I'm not even picky, but there were some days where a latrine of 10 shower stalls might have one remotely sanitary berth. At least there wasn't any dripping man water to worry about.

7. Loofahs are Cheap. Almost a caveat on #8, I cannot count the amount of loofahs I have gone through over here. They will, without fail, fall to the floor of the shower stall and spontaneously burst into a ball of flames caused by the friction of the various bacteria, viruses, and other small creatures found at the bottom of a shower as they fight to gain a foothold on the new addition to their midst. The neurons fire, and every instinct you have to bend down and pick it up must be stifled, for if you touch it, ney, if you look at it now, you will need penicillin injections and chlorine based decontamination for the next month. It's gone pal.

6. Haggling is fun. My experiences in Korea and now the "Souqs" of the Middle East have taught me that, with most items, the vendor simply wants some compensation for the good they are peddling. The initial price will be absurd, your counter-offer even more so. They will then pull out a calculator and start to work exchange rates to determine their bottom line. The key is, to begin to leave as they are computing. All math stops, and their focus is now on keeping you in the store, which is typically achieved by stating a price at or near the one you initially provided. His kids get hot shwarma tonight, my kids get a stuffed camel. It's win-win Mustafa.

5. People will DIE for an alcoholic beverage. Here in ____, we have a ration of 3 beers a night, should you choose to partake. During the increased hostilities portion of our deployment, we were on a short string, so I took drinking privelges away. You would have thought I took their boots an told them to hike up everest. "WHAT?!?!!?" "Why cant we..." "I mean....." Fucking pathetic. I didn't have one sip since I took command until we relinquished the mission. You can't go one night? I learned alot about some of my troops and leaders during that period.

4. How to PMCS a HMMWV. In the Army, we have to maintain our trucks and guns, or they wont work. This is done routinely, and must be to standard, or there are consequences. One afternoon, I stumbled upon the realization that PMCS had been neglected on our precious "Gun-Trucks," and I lost it. I recalled every E-5 on up to the XO, back to the Site, and we had a class. For their punishment, they got to witness the 1SG and I go through every step of that PMCS, in the dark, for three hours. Now, you may be asking, how is ME doing a PMCS a punishment for THEM. Well, do you want your boss doing your job, in front of you, at night, poorly? Just to prove a point? After being skull drug verbally for your incompetence? They got the point, the trucks were forever more in good condition....and I learned how to PMCS a HMMWV.

3. Never be a TCN. Think your job sucks? Imagine America having so little vocational opportunity that you have to travel abroad for years at a time, just to get a job cleaning toilets for a pittance. Such is the life of a Third Country National. These workers originate in Pakistan, India, Malaysia, as well as other countries, and come to the various sheikdoms in the Middle East to do the dirty work. Construction, mining, cooking, cleaning, you name it. There is a whole system run by the various governments to manage these people, and it is less than civil. More than once, I have been to a very modern airport, and seen a TCN with his cardboard box for luggage, being mauled and berated for standing in the wrong line. They are corralled into separate lines for tickets, customs, boarding, and some airports segregate their waiting areas. They live in huge hostels where they are bussed to and from jobs, wherein some of the more daring have been killed erecting the massive skyscrapers that dot the coastlines of the middle east. All of a sudden Burger King aint so bad.

2. An Empire's work is done by 18-24 year olds. In my travels throughout the Middle East, I have been able to work with Soldiers, Sailors, Marines, and Airmen, all with different jobs that have tremendous strategic value. None of them were "door-kickers," but in each instance, their skillset provided some sort of advantage to the American side that literally keeps us a dominate world power. Whether its a scope dope on an AWACS, or a PATRIOT TCA, or a flight chief on a long range refueler, their job is absurdly important to the American mission here in CENTCOM. Failure at their chosen profession could spell disaster for alot of folks. I was fortunate to watch a 19 year old AF controller, with a baseball cap turned to the rear, as he talked in close air support for troops in contact with the enemy, 1,300 miles away. I have listened to two 21 year olds in different countries successfully coordinate the destruction of a mythical ballistic missile on its way to ostensibly kill thousands of innocent civilians. Truly amazing. Our line of work has nothing to do with catching terrorists, but rather, has everything to do with providing deterrence and stability where our Nation thinks it is needed most. The kid providing that deterrent capability may, or may not, be able to have a beer when he gets off work.

1. This Line of Work in Tough on Families. One of the more unnerving elements of this profession is the overwhelmingly negative effect bestowed on the families of those that serve. It takes a truly resilient spouse, and a tremendous support network to make this whole game work. If you are lacking any element, then the statistics say you may not make it. As many times as I have fingers, I have seen seemingly stable families and marriages disintegrate over night, with usually the uniformed spouse being the last one to know. Yes, deployments suck. No, we do not make alot of money. Presumably, we all knew what we were signing up for, whether you wear the uniform, or not. My heart goes out to the troops who are coming home to empty houses. The door is always open.

There it is. Top 10 things I learned while deployed to the Middle East. In the very very near future (in'sh allah), I will be boarding a plane to finally return to Lawton and my sweet girls. I have missed them terribly over the past year, and I cannot wait to come back so I can be a Daddy and a Husband for them. Michelle has done an amazing feat in moving the whole carnival back to Lawton, settling into a home, and having everything in order for my return. For that, and for so many other reasons, I love her dearly.

As always, thanks for reading. See you all soon!

Regards,

Derek

Change of Scenery

Friends,

I have succesfully transitioned to the "other" country, still in the middle east, where our unit maintains a presence. I am in the que to take over the mighty Alpha Battery Assassins later this month, and will soon begin inventories and the full changeover process.

Living here is not necessarily worse, just different. There is no DOD provided WiFi, you have to buy it from a local carrier and then share bandwidth because it is expensive. You have to get dressed and walk 75 yards to the latrines to do whatever you gotta do. The food here has improved recently, but it still is not as abundant, readily accessable, or generally as good as the food where I came from. I have lost 2 lbs in about 6 days. The Air Force knows how to take care of it's people, and the Air Force don't run things here.

"Are you excited to be taking command?" In my opinion, any Officer worth their salt wants to be standing in front of troops, making decisions and affecting change. The more complicated the circumstances, the better. Staff work is a nice breather from time to time, but I am ready to get back on line with Soldiers. The Battery I am to command has the most complicated security and logistical situation in the entire AOR. Awesome. Due to where we live versus where we work, accountability and movement of people in general is a challenge. Awesome. The challenges abound, thus, so do the opportunities.

Professionally, I have some work to do. I am an Air and Missile defense tactician by trade, and due to the narrow scope of the jobs I have held, I have neglected to develop the other skills necessary to command a battery. I am weak in admin, supply, and maintenance, so I am focusing on getting more proficient in those areas prior to taking over. Fortunately, I have some subject matter experts in the area who are willing to square this young Captain away.

The immediate future is comprised of inventories, host nation meetings, and working out like a beast. Birthday is coming up, along with X-mas, and shortly thereafter, I become Assassin 6. The Air Force uses "1" as the commander designator, but the Army uses "6." This is why the wives are typically referred to Household 6. Army humor.

I hope everyone's holiday plans are coming together. Yes, it sucks being away from the family, but the Soldiers alway find a way to make the holidays exciting wherever they are.

Be in touch.

Regards

D

There and Back

Friends,

It's been about 48 hours since I landed back in the land we cannot mention. Jet-lag is kicking my ass, but I am forcing myself to get back on schedule...gym, eat, sleep....etc.

What an incredible R &R trip. Thanks to my wife and some really good planning, we were able to have a ton of fun and relax at the same time. We started off in Austin where we took a few days to get back in the swing of things. Hit the mall, ate some good food, and generally just loved the time with my beautiful girls. Any soldier can tell you, there is a huge change when you go from just worrying about yourself for so long, to now having to pack diaper bags, get kiddos dressed, warm up the car, etc. We linked up with Candi, our favorite photographer and great friend, for a fun family photo session in the hill country.

After a few days in Austin, Michelle and I packed up the kiddos and headed to Florida for 3 days at Disney World. Our great friends Sara and Jason hooked us up with a house and free entry into the park, which made the whole trip possible without going into immense credit card debt. Huge thanks to them! We had a beautiful house for the 5 days we were there. The great news was that between a baby, a toddler, and my bull-in-a-china-shop demeanor, we managed not to break anything at the house.

Having never been to Disney World, I was expecting huge lines and the never ending tune of "It's a small world" as we waged tourist combat against the throngs of heavily laden strollers and foreign people. Well, I stand corrected. In "the off season" of November, WDW is good to go. We literally didn't wait more than 15 minutes for any one attraction, even the more popular ones. In the three days we spent there we were able to see the Magic Kingdom, Epcot, and the Disney Hollywood Studios. It really is a fun place for all ages, and we would love to go back.

The highlight of the trip was our very first encounter on the very first day. The day before we left I was able to secure a reservation for "Breakfast in Cinderella's Castle." This was pure luck because according to the internet search returns, people typically make these 180 days out, if they are lucky. It seems someone cancelled and we scooped up the reservation. The food....okay. The Service.....okay. What you pay the absurd amount of money for is the face time with each of the main princesses. C could not have been more excited. Even daddy got a little overwhelmed seeing her so ecstatic to meet the princesses. Must have been allergies. Nothing says "sorry for leaving you for a year" like getting Cinderella and her friends to the breakfast table. Who's got two thumbs and feels like daddy of the year? This guy.

Shortly after returning to Austin, we washed clothes (and by "we" I mean Michelle), repacked, and it was off to SA to see Mom and Dad. He celebrated is 60th birthday the Saturday we were in Florida, but we missed it for good reason. My sister Kelly and her husband Brett flew in the weekend we were driving down for a surprise visit. We coordinated and met up prior to driving up to the house and surprised the hell out of Dad. Must have been some allergies there too.

The visit went great. Got to see Aunt M and Aunt Janice, Cousin Matt and his wife Rachel. We spent the morning Saturday down at the range putting some steel on target. It's a funny thing when you, while deployed, can't wait to go home so you can fire a weapon. Mostly thanks to Dad's patient teaching methods and cultivation of our abilities over the years, Kelly and I shoot like ninjas. Ninjas with guns. Even Brett, who is relatively new to the pistol shooting game, picked it up and we were shooting clay pigeons at 50 meters in no time. If you don't believe me, there is video. Dinner that night was a delicious meal at our favorite SA restaurant. Sunday was a tough goodbye, but we needed to get back to Austin.

The last few days together were mostly spent relaxing, packing, and trying to forget I had to leave again. Thanks to some clutch babysitting by Nana, I was able to take my lovely wife out on a date the night before I left. We ate at a nice restaurant called "Buenos Aires" near Bee Caves and 71, and saw a movie together. We had been together for nearly two weeks, but this was the first time we were able to sneak away from the kiddos and spend some quality, romantic time together on an honest to god "date." She looked amazing and I couldn't have felt more lucky to have her on my arm walking around the Galleria in the beautiful Austin fall weather. She really is incredible, and I am so happy she is mine.

The next day, I got back on a plane and flew back to awesome-town. Yes, it was hard. No, it was not easier because I have done it 3 times before. I take solace in the hope that neither Cadence or Kennedy will remember what this feels like. Michelle just gave me a high-five and rolled out, which was weird. Just kidding.

What's next? Well, I am slated to take the mighty Alpha Battery sometime in the near future. The will necessitate moving to the other country and abandoning my primarily tactical mindset for a more administrative and managerial one. Now that I have worked myself out of a job here, I can spend my time preparing for the coming challenges. Getting my Bio together, command philosophy, vision, and preparing counselings for my leaders once I arrive. The more I do now, the less hassle I will have once the inventories and change-over start in earnest. It is going to be an incredible journey, and I am humbled by the opportunity to command. Any retired officer will tell you that their most rewarding, and certainly most trying times where the 12-14 months spent in command of Soldiers. I am excited, and look forward to the challenge.

More to come, for sure. In the mean time, please refrain from sending packages as I am not sure where I will be in the coming weeks. Once a date is solid, I will be sure to spread the word. Thanks!

Warmest Regards,

D

What A Week

Friends,

I have been negligent in my updates, we have been crazy busy. The Army loves to plan shit in two specific months of the year, October and April. Mark my words, if you have significant life events in those two months, don't plan on being there for them. Without fail, the Army will have prolonged exercises and other things planned for you.

I will now lay out the events of the past week to demonstrate.

Friday: "Good news...PT test tomorrow if you want to take it." Shit. There are two things I hate in the world, terrorists and PT tests.

///RANT ON///

The Army assesses your physical fitness by how many pushups you can do in two minutes, situps in another two minutes, and then a two mile run as fast as you can. For my age group, passing is 40 pushups, 50 situps, and 16:36 on the run. Back in the day, this used to be an issue for me in the pushup department. So much so in fact that I had my scholarship revoked. But I got my shit together, passed, and got back on the wagon. After that though, it messes with your head "shit...what if I fail this one?" If you fail a PT test in the Army, it looks really really bad. If you are a leader and you fail a PT test, you look really really really bad. There is an unwritten code for officers wherein you are supposed to do well, or else soldiers don't respect you. News flash, I have had a mediocre PT test score since I got in the Army, and I have been okay in the soldier-officer relations department.

Allow me to digress. The Army places way too much emphasis on this arbitrary score. For enlisted especially, all things equal on paper, they will look at your PT score as a symbol of promotion potential, and the guy who did more pushups will win. I know ALOT of dim witted, wife-beating, 13 brain cell having soldiers who have been promoted above their peers (peers whom have shown much more prowess in Air Defense operations) just because they had a better PT score. When it's Field Marshall Walsh, that is going to change.

Granted, you have to be physically fit to be an effective soldier. My argument is that, in our analysis of leadership potential and overall effectiveness, physical prowess should be viewed amongst a slew of other traits.

///RANT OFF///

Oh well, I have been training hard and expected to do well. I execute my pre-PT test checklist. The night before is comprised of stretching, water drinking, a fresh haircut and an entire medium pizza. Part of the head game. Accordingly, the PT test starts at 0500, thus I am up at 0400.

SATURDAY: First thing, hot shower to loosen up the muscles, followed by stretching. Then the secret weapon, a combo of Black Powder and Jacked (legal supplements consisting of various chemicals to make you an animal during any workout...sold at your local GNC). Now it's game time. Initial briefing complete, it's time for the pushups. Traditionally my achilles heel, I knocked out 45 without even realizing it. Worked my way to 60 and called it good. Most ever.

After a short break it's sit-up time. This is the tricky part. I am good at sit-ups...love handles be damned, my abs are strong. Due to the speed you execute the sit-ups, you can screw yourself and use your hip flexors. This will help you do more, but if you smoke your legs prior to the run, you are done-ski. The trick? Alternate your foot position and mentally focus on using your abs if you can. Also, if you are the first one in line, that means you have the most recovery time prior to the run. I got 81...no problems because the max is 80.

Now, after having expended a good deal of energy on these two tasks, you have to run two miles as fast as you can. Anyone who "runs" will tell you have two miles sucks as an evaluated distance. One mile, sprint-able. Three miles is close to a 5k, a well known distance and pace. For some reason, the Army decided the middle was the best route. I am not a "runner" by any means. Long legs do not necessarily equal fast runner when you have tight hamstrings. I have run a 14:00 and I have barely passed with a 16:34, so it's a crap shoot. Humidity, general disposition, dow jones average...all these things need to be right to run fast. I managed a 14:52, which is fine for me, but I will get faster. When it was said and done, I scored a 262 out of a possible 300. Highest ever for this guy, and a respectable score as an officer. Next time I will do even better.

That afternoon, the next echelon evaluation team comes to town to evaluate my guys on Air Defense Operations. This is a quarterly evaluation, and if you don't pass, you look stupid (sound familiar?) My guys did really well, and considering the future for this guy, it was probably my last evaluation ever. Sweet.

After getting some rest on Sunday, I find out some interesting news. I am in line for command. In the coming months I will take charge of one of our units in the other country, the same one currently commanded by a great friend and colleague. There will be more blogs to follow on this, but for now the wheels are in motion for me to leave the current location and take command in another. For the high command to consider me for the job, having not been to Captains Career Course, is an honor. Like I said, more to follow.

I also found out that night that I would be flying to the other country where we have a presence for a few meetings and to check out the footprint I will take over in the coming months. Can't be specific, but I got some face time with some important people, some great friends I hadn't seen since we deployed, and some mentorship. Total time on ground was about 30 hours, but we managed to get a lot done.

During my time over there, Michelle had the unique pleasure of dealing with our small courts claim against our previous landlord. Again, I will be concise and vague for legal reasons. We felt they retained our security deposit for bogus reasons, so we filed against them. They tried to strong arm us with a counter-suit, but we didn't back down. Too many troops have been screwed in Lawton, and we decided the possibility of losing some money to prove a point was worth it. So to court she went, but that day both sides decided to settle out of court. We didn't get it all back, but they showed that their counter claim was an ineffective, feeble attempt at scaring us away. My wife is an incredibly brave, articulate and courageous woman, and I am so proud of her for seeing that ordeal through to the end. I married well.

Let's wrap it up. In 4 days I....Took and did well on a PT test, crushed an Operational Readiness Evaluation, began preparing to take command of a deployed PATRIOT battery, flew to another country for some big cheese meetings and dinners, and flew back. What I didn't mention is that we started a huge Joint / Combined exercise here at home base. No details, but it is a big, time consuming monster.

Good news is we are setting the conditions for me to move out of my current job and prepare for my new one. We have control of the timeline and are determined to do it efficiently and properly.

Even better news is that I take block leave in the coming weeks. I cannot wait to see the girls and the family. We have a good time planned and paid for, now it's time to enjoy. Not going to put dates and times on here for obvious reasons, but its getting real close. Just in time.

Sorry gang, I know that was a lot. But that was just the past 4-5 days...

Best,

D

The Haircut

Friends,

Instead of writing about how we are 2 months in, and everything is rolling, and stress is through the roof, and damn it's hot.....I figured I could write, in detail, about a unique experience here known has "The Haircut."

Let me begin by trying to explain how much I love getting my hair cut. Holy god do I love getting my hair cut. The love affair began with The Wooten Barber Shop in Austin, Texas shortly after I arrived at U.T. Now, I had gotten some good haircuts in San Antonio, but Super Clips, Master Cuts, Super Cuts, Pro-Super-Master Cuts should all be sued for false advertising, because relative to The Wooten, they aren't Masters, Pros, or Super in any way regarding the realm of mens hair and styling. The Wooten is a Man's barber shop (capitalized to express the relativity to men as a whole). There is always a bootleg DVD playing on a big screen TV, the same three guys are there to man their battle stations every single day, and the haircuts are always spot on. As a bonus, they take a straight blade old school razor to the back of your neck and clean up the ends very nicely. Lastly, they take what can only be described as a palm sander, and run that badboy all over your head and shoulders. Amazing. What's that? $15 bones for that kind of treatment, you got it Kimosabe.

Now allow me to juxtapose that experience with what you get here. (Yes, I know I am "deployed" and some guys are having to shave each other's heads with the deftly sharpened bones of the newly dead Taliban in Afghanistan while manning fighting positions and scared for their lives....but it makes for a good story)

First of all, the haircut is only $5.25 (American). That's good, because if I had to pay any more for these butchers to execute their craft, I might get upset. Now, perhaps it is my bad for wanting to maintain some semblance of "looking normal" while deployed, but I refuse to submit to the "dude...just shave it off...." club. Also, I refuse to adopt a "high and tight" because that makes me look like an Army Guy. If we venture into the city again in our khakis and polos, at least we can try and look like tourists instead of blatantly looking like US military. Shane Mercer, CPT, US Army said it best: "Look...throughout history the great generals of the world have managed to command armies of over 100,000 men in some of the harshest conditions imaginable....all while sporting long hair, side burns, and most notably, long glorious beards." For now I choose to meet the standard, while still trying to look like a normal human being. When I make the rank of Field Marshall, just for Shane, I'm bringing back sideburns.

The Barbers. Pardon my ignorance on the matter, but these dudes seem to be from Pakistan, with a couple from the Philippines. The country in which I currently reside thrives on labor from these countries, so why should the barber posse not be from those countries? Allow me to stereotype. These guys all sport bushy mustaches, longish hair, have pot bellies, and have the stumpiest little hands you will ever encounter on a man. For the most part they are friendly and listen to what you want. After being seated and proclaiming "Skin on the sides...medium fade....5 on top...please.." they will typically speak whatever it is they speak to their barber neighbor who will then retort with a smirk and a smile. As if to say "Stupid American....real men have longish hair and mustaches..." Newsflash Mustafa: Despite the obvious truth in that statement, I cannot rock either of these desired hair situations due to my job. Maybe one day....

In short order, they will execute, more or less, your desired specifications with the end result being acceptable in a job where you wear a hat most of the time. For me, I have to get in front of people, sometimes important ones, and speak decisively about my craft. To do that with some sense of credibility, I have to not look like a jackass. Thus, a few times I have had to politely ask these gents to "finish cutting my hair," or "maybe actually fade it on the sides."

The end is the best part. They must have googled "best haircut in the world" and gotten numerous hits on The Wooten and how they do business, because they employ a massage like tactic that is really why I wanted to write this blog. First they take their stumpy little hands and rub your shoulders. Normally, I am all about little dudes from Pakistan rubbing my shoulders, but there is something unnerving about their hands being so close to my neck. After they warm you up, depending on the barber, they may execute the "neck-pop almost break your neck move." You don't even really know what's about to happen until they do it, and they have yet to break my neck, but I know, and you know, that if they employ one more bit of strength to that ninja move, I'm a goner. One of the barbers has a signature move that also makes me nervous. He takes his stumpy hands, cups them over my eyes, and squeezes my eyebrows together with each of his hands. Imagine your loved one running up behind you and cupping your eyes just before they yell "surprise!" as you look at a brand new car, couch, pet, what-have-you. Now imagine that, instead of seeing anything at all, they just start mashing your eyebrows towards each other until the collective skin around your head begins to beg for mercy. It's kinda like that.

Their finishing move is worthy of it's own paragraph. They take their hands, bring them every so slightly together, and commence to karate chop your head. I am a big guy, and I am literally pushed out of my seat every time. The only element of this assault that gives it points in the humorous category is the sound it makes. The thud of them impacting your skull is immediately followed by a "quack." Yeah, as in, the noise a duck makes. So there I am, getting my head pounded in, while barber-man smiles a little bit on the inside as he makes duck noises on the head of the American to whom he has given an "0-k" haircut. It's like a double whammy for him. Barber-man 2, Derek 0.

Just another interesting aspect of life in "UNDLSWA." Pronounced "un-del-swa," it stands for Undisclosed Location in South West Asia because that is the term we have to use for our location. The troops, ever so vigilant with operational security, have begun using this as the title for their picture albums on facebook. It sounds funnier if you say it with a German accent.

As always, thanks for indulging me in my writing endeavors. Any and all commentary is encouraged and welcome. Good night.

-DW

Dad Was Right

All,

As promised, here is a reasonably amusing story for your reading pleasure.

Today we took a field trip into "the city" for some things related to our business (anything further than this would reveal things that I can't reveal). In multiple vehicles we set out, with me riding shotgun in the lead truck and our civilian translator driving, presumably because she is the driver most familiar with the layout of "the city."

SIDENOTE: My father, long ago, said that "Son...women drive and give directions based on landmarks and memory. This method often leads to driving for extended periods of time wherein you will find yourself wondering "where the #$*K am I?" Men, real men, use the age old method of "map reading." Look at the map, figure out the most direct way to get there in the fastest time, and execute. Whether you are Nick Cage trying to find the Declaration of Independence, or grandparents in a new town trying to find a wedding...you need a map." (I may have embellished a bit, but you get the idea).

No shit, there we were, driving around a city for 4 hours trying to find a destination that should have taken 30 minutes, tops. I was equipped with the latest google maps had to offer, and I took tactical control of the extremely capable GPS system located in the console of the SUV. I don't know a damn thing about the layout of that city, but throughout most of the trip, I knew we were going the wrong way. "No no...this is the way...I know this...." Look lady, THIS is what I know, you are going the wrong way.

SIDENOTE: Though extremely inefficient, it seemed to her to be the most expedient method to return to a point of known origin prior to attempting another daring thunder run to find the destination. To put it in mall terms; We tried to find American Eagle a number of times, but each time we couldn't find it, so we returned to the food court, got our bearings, and set out again. This is the antithesis of efficient.

Though this process was cumbersome, some good came of our frustrating endeavors. In the world, there are only 2 vending machines that dispense gold. That's right, I said gold. Put money in this machine, and out comes gold of various weight. The smallest amount you can purchase is 5 grams. At the current price of $1219, and with a troy ounce measuring 31 grams, that equates to just over $205. One of them is in the country where I am located, at the building I visited today. Google hard enough and my OPSEC is blown, but oh well. Pretty cool. I didn't buy any, but I would like to.

Cool as that was, it wasn't even remotely the place we needed to go, so we set out again to find the final destination, and subsequently our lunch location. By this time it had been close to 6 hours since I ate breakfast, and I was hungry. Stomach be damned, we did the exact same drill again trying to find the destination. It should have taken 20 minutes, but it took 3 hours. Unbelievable. We eventually made it, did what we had to do, and got some grub. Good grub. (baby, there will probably be a hit on the debit card for a little $$...I promise I didn't buy any gold...just had some lunch in one of the most expensive cities in the world.)

Anyways, the moral of the story is, if you ignore directions and drive around cities long enough, and sweet talk your way past perimeter security, and convince the unsuspecting valet that you are a big spender from Russia, then you will find gold!

Regards,

D

P.S. My wife is a wonderful driver and is excellent with directions.

Month-ish.

Friends and Family,

Well here we are. The outgoing unit is gone and we have the mission. We are currently operating at our prescribed battle rhythm, and generally sweating our collective asses off. Everyone says "you cannot comprehend how hot it is...its like opening an oven and walking in..." No kidding, that's what it feels like some days. What is surprising for me is the humidity. I spent a summer in Kentucky and didn't think it could get worse than 110% humidity. Well, just make it 95 degrees outside and friend, it is worse. I cannot comprehend how the boys in Iraq are running missions and getting into firefights in this weather.

I am still the FDS OIC, and a shift Tactical Director (every 3rd day I pull a 24 hour shift, preceded by an 8 hour day), but now I have definitely taken on the lead evaluator position for my location (a bunch of protracted evaluations per month) and was recently appointed the S-2 (intelligence and security) officer for my location. It is my job to know the threat in-and-out anyways, so basically when we have to brief people or perform threat analysis, I'm the guy. Fortunately, this all sounds worse than it is, and I am a great manager of time. I can't be specific with schedules on here, but I work a bunch, then I go to the gym, then I sleep. That's pretty much it.

Perhaps it is better that I am so busy and constantly thinking of the next step, because otherwise I'm sure my thoughts would be occupied with how much I miss my sweet girls. Kennedy is growing every day, and Cadence is figuring her little world out more and more. I am so pleased that they have such a positive environment for their bodies and minds to grow. This job allows me to see how other walks of life choose to raise their children, and lets just say Michelle and I have made some great choices and been supported by some wonderful family and friends.

The girls successfully made the move from Lawton back to Austin for the duration of my deployment. They are no doubt missing our great friends in Lawton, but we felt that Austin was the best option for the family. Thanks to Mike and Susan for opening up their home (again)! That move was a beast and my savvy wife managed to make it as seamless as possible. Thanks to all who pitched in money, time, or sweat!

Speaking of sweat, I have lost 12 pounds since hitting ground about a month ago, presuming I was around 240. 229 is my "tape-weight," meaning the army has deemed that the weight that, once over, I must "tape" and calculate body fat. If found to be over your allocated body fat percentage, then you are in trouble. The best way to deal with this is to just weight less than your threshold. 228 at the moment, and I am going to get more lean. Then I am going to get huge like my brother in law.

Last, most of the high-ranking movers and shakers on the AF side of the house are new and have no idea what PATRIOT does and doesn't do. I have been fortunate to be able to brief them a number of times, attach myself during exercises, and generally partake in their decision making processes. This is important on a number of levels, but most of all I really like educating folks who think all we do is accidentally shoot down aircraft.

Wish I had something funny to report. Rest assured, when something funny happens, you will know. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Back to my shift.

Regards,

Derek